2003-05-27 - 11:21 p.m.

So being that my last entry showed the lack of integrity in my love life this entry will really cement that notion in the heads of anyone reading my diary.

This weekend I hooked up with a married man. It has been three years since I have been with a man. I met him at a bar and didn't notice the ring. Ooops. So we talked in the bar and ended up in my car. We kissed for a while. Then he asked if we were just going to stay there. I told him we couldn't go back to my place because I was staying with my parents for the weekend. Then he told me we couldn't go back to his place because he was married. So he was 33, married with a kid and had been married once before. Yet I hooked up with him anyway. I don't think it is a big deal because it isn't my responsibility to keep other people from cheating. But maybe that is what I tell myself so I can sleep at night. I would never cheat if I was in a relationship, that is something different entirely. However, I think it does say something about me that the three people I have been with since my ex and I broke up have all been involved and they have all been random, drunken, one-nigh standish, hook-ups.

Anyway, I consider the married man a notch in my belt. I had fun, though I totally fucked with his mind. I had him convinced I was actually 17, instead of 23. Also after we hooked up I told him he owed me 50 bucks. He though I was serious for a minute. Is that bad that I can convince someone I am a 17 year-old prostitute?!?!

It is not my prefence to have random hook-ups with taken people, but I can't find anyone to seriously date. I so want to be in a relationship right now. I have a huge crush on my housemate, but that can't go anywhere because dating a housemate and a friend is never a good plan and I don't even know if my affections are reciprocated.

I guess love, relationships, and sex are always complicated and frustrating. However, because I am prone to self-doubt I can't help but think there is something wrong with me that I can't find someone to at least date. I know I am my own worst critic, but I feel so unattractive right now. Which as many people have pointed out is totally illogical because I get hit on almost everytime I go out. Oh, well I guess it will come in time.

In other news, I am almost done with my first year of grad school. One more paper to go! That blows my mind. It has gone by so fast.

So now I am focusing on finding a second summer job because money is my biggest source of anxiety right now. I am also trying to lose weight. I just want to get to a place where I am comfortable with my own body. I want to feel attractive so I can be more confident. So money and fitness are the summer goals.

I am trying to at least feign like I am putting love on the back burner. I know it is just an act. But hey something is better than nothing, right?!?

I have been so happy this year to have this diary. It is really reassuring to have people giving me support feedback on my crazy ramblings. So thanks to everyone who has!

I am making a conscious effort to write more often again so stay tuned.

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